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Uncle Saggy is nothing man, I'm talking a real movie!
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Lance: Slime ‘em, dude!

[Lance and Russell take off their imagined swamp monster disguises. Lance growls and flexes his muscles.]

Russell: Yeah, grr.

[Lance and Russell run offscreen. Polly sits at a swing with Pepperoni on her lap.]

Polly: Uh oh, Pepperoni. Lance is displaying anti-social tendencies again.

Lance: Hey, Scradley. Ready for your pounding?

Russell: Yeah, pounding.

Bradley: Aw, come on, Lance. Give me a break.

Russell: Yeah, break.

[Lance smiles.]

Lance: Sure thing, Scradley. I’ll give you a break.

Polly [offscreen]: Lance!

Russell: It’s your sister.

Lance: Half-sister. [turns to Polly] What?

Polly: The use of violence is not an appropriate way to deal with your frustrations, you know?

Lance: Get lost, squirt. I’ve got some serious pounding to do here.

[Bradley shrugs and smiles at Polly.]

Polly: I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a more proactive role in resolving this situation.

Lance: Hey! Back off, squirt! I'm warning you!

Lance: Cut it out, man!

[Lance yells and runs offscreen. Russell turns to Stacy and Bradley as the light is turned back on.]

Russell: What?

[Russell leaves.]

Polly: I’d like to remind you, it wouldn’t be nice to take advantage of another person’s phobias for your own personal enjoyment.

Stacy: Lance is afraid of the dark!

[A foghorn blares. Bradley sniffs the air and pulls the visor of his helmet over his eyes.]

Bradley: Verily. Gadzooks, what is yon funky smell?

Russell: [English accent] What?

Mr. Doddler: Hey, you’d be a bit gamey, too, if your plumbing was on the fritz all week.

Stanley: No problem, everyone. I’ll get right on it.

Mr. Doddler: That’s more like it.

Stella: Finally!

Mrs. Salazar [offscreen]: Bueno, bueno. (Translation: Good, good.)

[Lance and Russell are standing at the pool.]

Lance: What about the pool, man?

Stacy: Hey, Lance! Bradley says you play with teddy bears!

Lance: That does it! Prepare for a pounding, Scradley!

Stacy: Do you promise never to pound Scrad- I mean, Bradley again?

Lance: I promise, man! I promise!

Lance: Yeah, sure, whipped cream!

Stacy: Don’t push it, Bradley!

Lance: Let me out of here!

[Lance runs offscreen. Russell walks over to Bradley and Stacy.]

Russell: Whoa, that’s harsh.

Bradley: It wasn’t me.

[Bradley turns on a flashlight.]

Stacy: A flashlight! Good thinking, B-Man!

Lance: And all the better to pound you with, Scradley.

[Bradley turns off the flashlight. Lance screams.]

Lance: Okay, okay! I was just kidding! Turn it on!

Bradley: Uh oh, Lance. Something’s coming.

Stella: Stacy, have you seen your father? Stanley!

Mr. Doddler: It’s mighty hot in here.

[Dill looks around and stares.]

Dill: You guys! Is it dark down here, or what? I mean, who knows what kind of hideous monsters with big, long razor-sharp fangs-

Stacy: [shouting] Dill! You’re freaking me out.

Lance: I gotta get out of here! It’s too dark, man!

Russell [offscreen]: There, there. It’s okay.

[Lance looks around. A squish is heard.]

Lance: Whoa, dude. Are you… holding my hand?

Russell: Yeah. Feel better?

[As Russell says this, his eyes widen. Lance screams and runs offscreen.]

Mrs. Salazar: ¿Dónde estamos? (Translation: Where are we?)

Stella: I think we’re in the sub-basement.

Dill: We’re in the sub… sub… sub-basement! Holy mackerel!

Shadow of Ultimate Darkness: [laughs] Time for a light snack!

[The monster holds Stacy to its mouth. Lance runs in the dark, with Russell running after him.]

Russell: Hey, wait up!

Lance: Hey, I did it, man! I pounded the Shadow of Ultimate Darkness. I pounded him and it was nothing! Nothing, man!

[Stella and Mrs. Salazar clap for Lance. Lance flexes his muscles triumphantly.]

Lance: Alright! [laughs] I’m getting rid of my night light!

Stella: Stanley, you actually fixed the fuse box. I’m proud of you.

Dill: Yeah, we thought we were gonna get stuck down here forever!

Stanley: [dazed] No problem.

[Stanley faints. Mrs. Salazar and Mr. Doddler support him.]

Mr. Doddler: I always said you were a brave young fella.

Polly [offscreen]: Stacy!

Russell: [rolls eyes] It’s your sister.

[Polly drags Pepperoni across the floor.]

Lance [offscreen]: Half-sister.

Polly: It was very nice of you and Bradley to help my brother overcome his unnatural fear of the dark.

[Russell walks upstairs and puts his finger on the light switch.]

Russell: Yeah, free therapy.

Lance: Yeah. Thanks, Scradley.

[Lance squints his left eye. He walks over to Bradley as Russell turns the light switch off from offscreen.]

Bradley: You're welcome.

[Bradley yells as Lance growls and chases him. The camera zooms in on Polly and Stacy.]

Polly: I hope you've learned your lesson.

Stacy: Yeah, Polly, I think we’ve finally "seen" the light.

Bradley: Not funny, Stace!

[End.]